I hate Christmas.
I grew up in an underprivledged family with less than stellar parents, and while I like to think they tried their best to give my brother and I a better life, I know in reality that they could have tried a lot better. That said, and that being the case, I always hated Christmas because I never fit into the mold of the perfect American dream.
We never did the presents thing. No caroling. No dinner with family and friends, while in later years I would try those things, they never took with me and I always saw them as a bother. Maybe I just get overly negative around this time of the year, or maybe I'm just some kind of a hater, but even as I grew older and more mature, began to worry about myself less and start working towards the better of others, I found it hard to put much effort out this past month.
That said, this year has been particularly bad.
I say I'm an athiest, and while logically, I don't think there's a God, I find it really hard to simply accept the fact that within a 24 hour period, things go from great, to horrible, especially when I finally face the music, accept responsibility for something I had been putting off, and for all intents and purposes, finally show some balls and take my due.
Why is it that when I finally move towards being the bigger man, so many things around me come crashing down? I need to know, if there is a God, I need to know what his logic is because I simply don't understand it.
If there is any kind of a lesson to be learned, it's that the bad guys win, and the good guys eat shit sandwiches, I can't let myself believe that that's true, and thus why I don't believe there is a God.
With that, I come back to Christmas. While many see Christmas as the season of giving, now that it's soon to be yesterday, all that good will is about to vanish with the course of time, to arise next year, but only until the clock strikes midnight and December 25th becomes the 26th.
People act in good will because they seek a self-gratification, and Christmas does nothing but give them a timeline for that. I don't care what you do, if you lift someone up with a show of helpfulness, only to drop them at the stroke of midnight, then that doesn't make you a good person.
...I guess I don't believe in the goodness in people anymore. I know I'm a good person. Yes, I like to troll people and make them angry, that's fun to me, but I don't think I'm capable of being truly cold and heartless to someone, no, I do far too much inner observation to be capable of such blind cruelty.
I'm a good person, I work towards the better of others in the grand scale of things, and under any circumstance I can be relied upon. These are truths I strive to keep even in the most dire of circumstances, but I don't think there are any people worth being good to.
With that said, I come to the ultimate conclusion of this Christmas day rant.
Throughout my life, I have observed others from a distance, even if I was standing next to them as they enjoyed my company, I stood in the distance, floating above, watching the scene with distanced eyes and a distanced heart. Someone will read this that knows me personally and as they do I want you to ask yourself this. Have you ever asked yourself why I never take pictures? Why I never invite others to my home, and why most people don't even know where I live? Why I only recently reactivated my cell phone and why when others would go out and have fun in social galas, I often chose to stay home or at the very least, was always quick to go home once the festivities were over?
I have spent my entire life observing others, and it is this very methodology and psychological status that has allowed me to grace by the perils and madness of the real world.
I've often thought of myself as being two separate people sharing the same body, but I realize it's more of a puppeteer and a doll, but with 2010 coming to a quick close, I felt it important to gather myself in at least some medium, to express to the world in some way the chaos that swirls in my own head as two very different people fight over the path leading towards my future.
I...honestly don't know where I'll be tomorrow, or next year, at this point I feel like I'm waiting for something just on the horizon, what that may be I have yet to find out but if it doesn't come soon then I fear I may fall to the demons that are chewing away at what little sanity I may have left.